Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Guilt

Something that often comes along with living with chronic pain is guilt.

I always trying to stay positive, trying to do what I can with a smile on my face. I still occasionally get a bit down in the dumps. I will not call it depression, because depression is a lot more serious. Depression is completely different. I get a bit down, just like everyone, but I can also pick myself back up.



However, I do often suffer bouts of guilt. I will add now that nobody makes me feel guilty except myself. But those bouts of guilt are more difficult to deal with.



I had to take early retirement when I was 28, two years after getting married. My pain has always ruled both our lives. But it gradually became worse over the years. Now I do less, my husband does more and I do feel guilty.

I used to be able to push myself more, but now I just don’t have the energy. I also don’t think I am physically capable of pushing myself anyway. I put my feet out of my bed in the mornings (at some late hour normally), and feel as though my feet won’t hold up my body. I struggle with everything. Life is hard. Just living is difficult some days. And yes, I feel guilty that I can’t do what I wish I could.



But it isn’t just that.

 It’s other things.....like not phoning someone, not getting around to answering someone’s email or Facebook message. Not reading blogs or Facebook posts that I would normally read. Or getting tired mid-conversation and losing track. Forgetting things. Getting things wrong. Just generally not being able to keep up.


I used to do things. I baked. I painted. Made cards. Made Jewellery.  I wrote. I even ironed occasionally. Now, I think I have become a zombie. I get up, I eat, I sleep. Maybe take a turn or two on a scrabble game, but that's about the height of it.

Sometimes I hate being me. Being me is tiring. And I feel guilty for being me.

I actually feel guilty for being me!


I could spend my life wishing things were different, but they’re not, and they’re not likely to become different.

Living with constant pain uses a lot of energy. And guilt is what I class as negative energy. We, chronic pain sufferers, can’t allow energy to be wasted on something like guilt. We need every single ounce of it just to get through the day.


So time to get rid of the guilt.

Might be easier said than done though.....