Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts

Friday, December 06, 2013

My Mum

I've written about my Mum before in the posts Dear Mum and Mother's Day. She has also been in a few of my other posts, so I am sure you will have picked up that my Mum was very, very special.

To be honest, I didn't think I would ever write the post which I am about to write. But today, something is just making me write it.

Four years ago on this very day, my family and I were sitting around my Mum's bed waiting and hoping that she could have as peaceful an end to her life as possible. And thankfully she did, just a few minutes after midnight, my Mum passed away.

My Mum, out skipping with her granddaughter
Right up until the summer of that year, my Mum had been in perfect health. Better than perfect, in fact. My Mum was in her element when playing with her grandchildren. She would be outside 'running races' or skipping with my young niece. If the weather wasn't good enough to be outside doing that, she had the grandchildren in the kitchen baking pancakes, scones and cakes. If they were happy, she was happy.

But at the end of that summer, my Mum developed an irritating cough. A lot of people in the area had a similar irritating cough so nobody, including her doctor, thought it was anything to worry about. But it became persistant, and was dragging her down. The doctor was doing all the usual things doctors do for irritating coughs, but nothing was helping. I can remember visiting and I got a shock....she looked ghastly.

The doctor was coming in to visit the following day, and when he did, I think he got a shock too at how fast she seemed to be going downhill. He had her admitted to hospital. She was put on oxygen and looked so much better. But they had to find out the cause of the cough.

Turned out my Mum had cancer of the kidney and it had spread, and obviously now her lungs were affected. It was so widespread, and nothing could be done. She had no symptoms other than that cough, so there had been no reason to go to the doctor earlier. The doctor showed us the scan, and I remember asking if they were sure that was Mum's scan. She only went in with a cough, and now we were facing this.

We got Mum home, and just tried to make the most of the next few weeks. My Mum just faced up to this with a strength which was amazing, but didn't really surprise us.

I have told people in the past that those seven weeks were the worst weeks of my life, but in a strange way, they were also the best weeks of my life. The times we shared were more than special. I stayed there most of the time and we talked, we looked through photos together or we played scrabble. We laughed. We talked more. Sometimes we didn't talk. Sometimes we just looked at each other....no words were needed.

My Dad, sister and I kind of held each other together throughout those weeks. Actually, I think it was my Mum who was holding all of us together. But we get through it. And now today, four years on, it still feels as though she should answer the phone when I phone my Dad. It still feels like she should be in the kitchen when I visit, making me those treacle pancakes. It still feels like she should still be there. And I have realised that I like that feeling, and I never want it to stop. I like the memories and I don't want them to go. My Mum will always be part of me, part of who I am. She will always be in my head and she will always be in my heart giving me hope and strength when I need it.

So today is just one of those days when we have thought even more than usual about my Mum. And she has been there giving me and my family hope and strength today as always. And I know she always will be doing just that. She was special...very, very special.
My Mum at our wedding in 1992

Friday, June 29, 2012

 The Fight 
What’s this thing doing to my life?
Constantly attacked by a butcher’s knife
The handle hammering the side of my head
Feels like it must be made of lead
The blade is in my teeth slicing up to my eye
I have a question. Just one. “WHY?”
Just seems like a never ending hill
And I climb it. Popping pill after pill
I occasionally get somewhere near the top
Then, action begins. A sign appears. “STOP!”
The knives come out and they drag me back
Way down through that worn out track
I plead with them to leave me alone
But no. They stay. Silently, I groan

Pain has taken so much from me
One day, I hope, it will set me free
But until it does, I must keep up this fight
Day after day; night after night
Because I am Liz
The one who never loses the place
The one who always has a smile on her face
                                                                                E.S.





Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Patient or Carer???

Last week was a really bad week with my pain and by Friday night, I really didn’t know what to do, because the pain in my face and head was extreme. I could have cried, but that would have made the pain worse.

Thankfully it started to calm down over the weekend.

By Tuesday, when  I was feeling a good bit better (isn't that typical), I had an appointment to see my GP.

I am sure her other patients must hate me. I must have been in her room for a lot longer than the allotted appointment time . She has increased my Tegretol now to the maximum allowed dose, and she is looking into another drug, should the Tegretol still not work. The problem is trying to work out how the new drug would work alongside the drugs I am on already. She'll figure it out. She tries so hard to help me. I can see in her face that she is actually disappointed when the meds don’t work. Not just from a doctor’s point of view, but she seems to genuinely care about me and my pain.

Back at home, my husband.......well, where would I be without him? He’s down to earth, not all slushy and gushy, but when I am needing his help, he is right there. Getting tablets, making sure I eat, trying to help in whatever way he can. But most especially, trying to take my mind off the pain. Yes, he is still making me laugh. I am so grateful for that. Although, on Friday night, I really don’t think anything could have made me laugh. But he was still there by my side.

So......two carers. One, my GP; the other, my husband.

Now, obviously, I couldn’t trade places with my doctor....I don’t have the qualifications for that.

But my husband, I have to say that I would never, ever want to trade places with him. I would rather keep the pain than give it to him. I would hate to do the job he does. I would hate to be the carer of a loved one. I don’t mean that I would hate to do the physical job of looking after my husband. Of course, I would do that. I would do whatever I was physically able to do for him.

I mean I would hate to watch my husband suffer from the pain of Trigeminal Neuralgia or some other form of chronic pain. I would be crying seeing him in that pain. I couldn’t try to distract him by making him laugh. If he was in so much pain that he was almost crying, I would do the crying for him.

So no matter how bad my Trigeminal Neuralgia or my back pain ever gets, I would rather take the pain than have the tables turned and watch him suffer from it. The physical part of caring is not the issue. It is the emotional part of watching the person you love most in the world suffer, knowing that you can’t rid them of their pain.


His isn’t an easy job. And I really don’t think that spouses or other family members who are carers get enough credit for what they do. At times, it must be physically tiring. But it also must be emotionally exhausting some of the time.

By the way, my husband doesn't read my blog, so I'm not just writing this so that he will read it and know that I appreciate him.  I am sure he already knows that. And the reason he doesn't read it - he says that he lives with me, he sees my pain every day. He copes with it all, but if he were to read my blog, actually read about my pain in black and white, he reckons he would hit a breaking point. Then he couldn't cope.

The chronic pain patient doesn't get it easy. But I believe that their carer doesn't get it too easy either.


Monday, December 05, 2011

Smile

So it’s been another few tough days.

Oh how I would love to write that I’ve had  few good days. I know it would make a lot of people happy as well as myself and hubby. But living with chronic pain doesn’t quite work like that.


Sometimes I worry about writing this blog. I am basically opening up my everyday life to the world. Well, not quite the world, maybe just a few people. But some of those people are close family members. And some of them have read my blog and they have told me that it had made them cry. They understood my life and my condition better.........but they had cried.

I feel bad that I have made people cry. That wasn’t my intention.

But those people have also told me that they are glad I have started writing this. They are glad that they understand better. And they think that writing it must be good for me. I actually agree with that. I am sure that I mentioned it before that I think it’s kind of therapeutic getting it all out, so to speak.

I know I definitely have said this before, but I’ll say it again anyway........I don’t want people to think my life is all doom and gloom. It’s not. Even over the last few days, I could still raise a smile. I’m glad that I can. And I am glad that I have a husband who helps with that. I feel bad for him. I would hate to be in his position - wanting to help, but feeling that there’s nothing I could do. But, he does help me a lot. Apart from everyday chores and cooking etc. he just needs to say something, or do something, and that’s it, I’m away.....laughing....one hand holding my face, the other clutching those sore ribs.

But it’s not just him who can make me laugh or get me smiling. Lots of things do. Simple things. Silly things. Maybe I’ll make a list some day.

I just really, really believe that it is better for everyone to smile. Whether you’re rich or poor, healthy or sick, a smile makes the world a brighter place. Smiles are special. Smiles can say things that words can't. You might just make someone's day by giving them a smile. So next time you see someone without a smile, give them one on yours.

But one more thing about smiles. They're a bit like rabbits. They breed easily. Smiles tend to breed more smiles. Starts with just one, then before you know it, everyone is doing it.

So this is a great big S-M-I-L-E from me.

Now you have to pass it on to someone else.